Cette partie explique comment être transgenre a influencé ma vie. Je veux souligner que ici est mon point de vue particulier. Cela va changer soumettre à les informations nouveaux que j'apprendrai, nouveau expériences donner à moi perspicacité des situations de le passe. Cela fondamentalement partial parce que c'est seulement mon point de vue.

Enface

La premier idée que je suis transgenre aurais été mes premier patins de hockey. J'ai vu un jeu de NHL dans la télévision, et j'ai désiré essayer de fare. Nous allons a la boutique du coin de hockey et il y avait les patins artistique trop belle accroché sur le mur. CELA MA PATINES ARTISTIQUE, mais... les patines artistique a eu une pique ce qui est dangereux pour hockey. J'ai été ANÈANTIE que n'ai pas pu jouer hockey avec sensationnel patines artistique. Les adultes ont dit "Ces patines est pour les filles. Patines artistique est pour les filles... etc." Oui, ces patines artistique ont été attrayant comme j'ai voulu abandonner le slip de sport et j'ai voulu revêtir le tutu.

Un Autre mémoire de rôles des sexes conflictuel est venue de le chewing-gum Big Red. "Il poussera cheveux dans toi poitrine, tu voudra cheveux dans toi poitrine, n'est-ce pas?" Je n'ai voulu pas... et je dois dire comme épilation laser a été très libre. À l'heure actuelle, je refuse a manger de chewing-gum Big Red parce que je ne voudrais pas pousserai cheveux dans ma poitrine. Je comprende que c'est absurde, mais... cela juste enraciné dans moi que je deteste chewing-gum Big Red parce que JE NE VOUDRAI PAS cheveux dans ma poitrine.

Coming Out: Prise 1

Language students at our high school could go to a country that spoke the language. Spanish class earned me a homestay in Costa Rica.

The most impactful aspect of this trip (to me) was the love you could see between this family's mom & her child. This was a completely foreign concept to me. There was a level of wholesomeness I never had experienced, even vicariously, until that moment. This got me thinking the social dynamic I had been experiencing was not normal, and I needed to go abroad for a longer period of time to get some objectivity. 

I applied to Rotary International's youth exchange student program and earned a year in Japan by self-studying the Japanese language.

La Psychologie de mon Èchange

I am a person with many imperfections, as is everyone. I made a few key friends, I made mistakes, I learned how to apologize, began to develop a sense of empathy, learned about humility (as it exists in Japan), and learned more about tacit communication styles found in Japanese culture. 

There was a lot going on psychologically. I experienced a wave of immense relief being in a healthier environment. Although, I still struggled with occasional depressive thoughts from gender dysphoria. Overall, my host families enabled me to grow as an individual, and am extremely grateful to Rotary International for their support.

While learning Japanese language and culture, certain linguistic patterns appealed to me more than others. Feminine phrasing, sentence structures, and etc., appealed to me. Without realizing it, my speech in Japanese was becoming more and more feminine. With that came a decrease in gender dysphoria. Through the excuse of 'being that foreigner that doesn't know any better' I could be more feminine. Add to this, some Japanese high schools have cross-dressing contests that reinforced a degree of acceptance.

Le Caméra Cassé

It so happens that I broke my best friend's glasses a few months later. I found myself in my host dad's shoes. I had two thoughts emerge. My pre-exchange mentality, and what my host dad showed me. The right thing to do would have been to put into practice what my host dad taught me, but I needed the extra verification that my old habits were in fact bad. 

Handling it according to my old habits didn't go well. My host dad confronted me and I finally admitted "Okay, I'm wrong. How do I fix this?" and he taught me how these matters would be handled in Japan. Since Japan is very contextual and relies on a lot of tacit communication, there were a lot of details to pay attention to and get right. I followed his instructions on how to properly apologize. I followed his instructions on how to hand my friend an envelope of money to pay for the repairs. 

The word spread that I had made my friend whole. It was a very profound uprooting of things that, up to that point in my life, were definitions of the core of my being. Emphasizing I really had to discard who I was and start anew. Before these lessons could be thoroughly ingrained in my personality, a 9.0 earthquake caused a tsunami which caused a nuclear meltdown.

Before I move on to the next subject, while the exchange program taught me how to apologize to my friend, I didn't feel like it was enough. Ultimately, the exchange program paid for the repairs. I didn't feel it was right for me to not personally make amends. So, about a year later, I reached out to that same friend and asked him what he wanted for his birthday. He wanted an MLB Jersey of his favorite professional baseball player. So I got that professional baseball player jersey and shipped it to him in Japan.

Séisme, Tsunami, Fusion du Cœur (Oh là là!)

If you want to get a proper look into the sound or feel of this earthquake I found a video that captures the emotion of the event.

My area shook at about 5+ on the JMA's shake scale. Frankly, I got so overwhelmed with thoughts like "Is the floor above us going to collapse on us? Is the floor going to give way and we fall down?" Some areas experienced a proper level 7. A long-form explanation of those shake intensity numbers can be found here. A few days later, I was informed all exchange students must return and my exchange ended early.

A 7 is the highest level. People have this weird tendency to competitively compare their suffering. I'm guilty of this too at times, and I don't think there is much to be gained from comparing scars like this. I'd like to acknowledge there absolutely are people who suffered far more than I did. Many people lost their lives, my heart goes out to them, may they rest in peace. Others survived the ordeal only to go back 'home' to discover their house is gone, a pile of rubble, or completely relocated. Some got by the first few days, but then the nearby power plant blew up and they had to leave everything behind. A few days later, I was informed all exchange students must return and my exchange ended early.

Coming Out: Prise 2