The first clue that I am transgender would be my first ice hockey skates. I saw an NHL game on TV, and wanted to give it a try. We rolled into the local hockey store and there was this beautiful pair of figure skates hanging on the wall. THOSE WERE MY SKATES, but ugh... well... figure skates have a spike on the end of them that are illegal / dangerous in ice hockey. I was CRUSHED I couldn’t play ice hockey with fantabulous figure skates.  The adults remarked "those are for girls. Figure skating's for girls... etc." Yes, those figure skates were so appealing that I was ready to abandon the jock strap and don the tutu.

Another memory of gender role conflict came from Big Red gum. "It'll put hair on your chest, you want hair on your chest, don't you?" I didn't... and I have to say laser hair removal has been very freeing. To this day, I refuse to eat Big Red gum because I do not want hair on my chest. I know, this is absurd, but... it's just ingrained in me that I find Big Red gum revolting because I DO NOT WANT hair on my chest.

Testosterone based puberty was agonizing. I didn't like the changes that were taking place. They inspired gender dysphoria. If you don't know what that is, learn more here: The Gender Dysphoria Bible. As my body got more masculine, the more I had to disassociate with my appearance in order to get through the day. My brain operating on the wrong hormone also meant my emotions were limited. Those who have reconnected with me after I started hormone replacement therapy remark "You're like a normal person now!" so it seems that has improved. Although, now I have the new struggle of learning to manage my emotions that everyone else learned earlier in life. 

It was around this time I learned about the concept of being transgender. That, while this isn't a 'common' experience, I wasn't the only person to ever experience this kind of mismatch between mind and body. There were also copious warnings that society does not treat us well. Do I risk mistreatment or do I wait until I am in a safer environment? It's really a catch-22, suppression is not a safe existence either. 

I decided to try coming out to my parents. Long story short, it did not go well. Instead of doing something to alleviate the depression, they made the depression worse. Admitting to myself that my parents weren't really a source of support, I turned to our high school guidance counselor and it was made clear that I needed to find a way out of this environment. This is a very gentle summary of what happened, the reality was very harsh.

Language students at our high school could go to a country that spoke the language. Spanish class earned me a homestay in Costa Rica.

The most impactful aspect of this trip (to me) was the love you could see between this family's mom & her child. This was a completely foreign concept to me. There was a level of wholesomeness I never had experienced, even vicariously, until that moment. This got me thinking the social dynamic I had been experiencing was not normal, and I needed to go abroad for a longer period of time to get some objectivity. 

I applied to Rotary International's youth exchange student program and earned my year in Japan by self-studying the Japanese language. I was on a mission to get objectivity on social dynamics between society and myself. Studying these dynamics required me to minimize the impact of a language barrier. 

The 'way out' that I found was to become an exchange student and live in Japan. My experience from Costa Rica informed me I needed a completely different cultural context to help me examine myself, not just the removal of an abusive environment.

I am a person with many imperfections, as is everyone. I made a few key friends, I made mistakes, I learned how to apologize, began to develop a sense of empathy, learned about humility (as it exists in Japan), and learned more about the tacit communication styles found in Japanese culture. 

There was a lot going on psychologically. I experienced a wave of immense relief being in a more calm environment. Although, I still struggled with occasional depressive thoughts from gender dysphoria. Overall, my host families afforded me a sense of security that enabled me to grow as an individual, and am extremely grateful to Rotary International for their support. 

While learning Japanese language and culture, certain linguistic patterns appealed to me more than others. Feminine phrasing, sentence structures, and etc., appealed to me. Without realizing it, my speech in Japanese was becoming more and more feminine. With that came a decrease in gender dysphoria. Through the excuse of 'being that foreigner that doesn't know any better' I could be more feminine. Add to this, some Japanese high schools have cross-dressing contests that reinforced a degree of acceptance.

Many things I learned on this exchange were possible because I had an absolutely amazing host dad who helped me work through my pitfalls. It started with him breaking my camera. I was mad, until, a few weeks later my host dad apologized and replaced it. It meant a lot and it was very healing. This was probably a moment where I thought there is something fundamentally wrong with the way I had been leading my life. I completely discarded everything I thought I knew, and re-learned everything from the Japanese culture I was immersed in. This means I accepted a profound amount of influence from the community that I was living in and learning from at the time. Likewise, I don't really identify as 'American' nor 'Japanese' but more so as a multi-cultured individual with no particularly strong affinity to any particular region or culture.

My host dad showed me how impactful making someone whole after your own mistake can be. It so happens that I broke my best friend's glasses a few months later. I found myself in my host dad's shoes. I had two thoughts emerge. My pre-exchange mentality, and what my host dad showed me. The right thing to do would have been to put into practice what my host dad taught me, but for some silly reason I needed the extra verification that my old habits were in fact bad. 

Handling it according to my old habits didn't go well. My host dad confronted me and I finally admitted "Okay, I'm wrong. How do I fix this?" and he taught me how these matters would be handled in Japan. Since Japan is very contextual and relies on a lot of tacit communication, there were a lot of details to pay attention to and get right. I followed his instructions on how to properly apologize. I followed his instructions on how to hand my friend an envelope of money to pay for the repairs. 

The word spread that I had made my friend whole. It was a very profound uprooting of things that, up to that point in my life, were definitions of the core of my being. Emphasizing I really had to discard who I was and start anew. Before these lessons could be thoroughly ingrained in my personality, a 9.0 earthquake caused a tsunami which caused a nuclear meltdown. 

Before I move on to the next subject, while the exchange program taught me how to apologize to my friend, I didn't feel like it was enough. Ultimately, the exchange program paid for the repairs. I didn't feel it was right for me to not personally make amends. So, about a year later, I reached out to that same friend and asked him what he wanted for his birthday. He wanted an MLB Jersey of his favorite professional baseball player. So I got that professional baseball player jersey and shipped it to him in Japan.

A 7 is the highest level. People have this weird tendency to competitively compare their suffering. I'm guilty of this too at times, and I don't think there is much to be gained from comparing scars like this. I'd like to acknowledge there absolutely are people who suffered far more than I did. Many people lost their lives, my heart goes out to them, may they rest in peace. Others survived the ordeal only to go back 'home' to discover their house is gone, a pile of rubble, or completely relocated. Some got by the first few days, but then the nearby power plant blew up and they had to leave everything behind. A few days later, I was informed all exchange students must return and my exchange ended early.

The improved mental health I experienced in Japan slowly started to fade away. At the time, I thought Japanese culture provided those mental health benefits. In reality, my parents are a drain on my well being. After 7 years, I graduated and got hired to work in Japan to design safety systems for amusement rides and roller coasters. Eventually, I realised it wasn't Japanese culture as a whole, but the amazing community that hosted my exchange. Additionally, therapy revealed suppressing my gender identity was another detriment to my mental health. So I started to transition, and have lead a much happier existence ever since.